Breaking Free from the People-Pleasing Trap: A Journey into the Psychology of Approval-Seeking
- Have you ever found yourself doing anything you can to avoid conflict, even if it means turning into a completely different person?
- Have you got into the habit of saying "yes" when you really want to say "no"?
- Do you go out of your way to make others happy, even if it means sacrificing your own happiness and well-being?
If any of these are resonating with you, you might be trapped in 'people-pleasing' behaviours.
What is 'people pleasing'? People Pleasing is when a person feels a strong urge to please others, even at their own expense, often ignoring their own needs in order to gain validation from others.
People pleasing stems from various contributing psychological factors, mostly which are rooted in early childhood experiences and a need to be accepted. Understanding and identifying people pleasing tendancies is the first step to breaking free from them.
In this blog post, we'll explore some psychological elements behind people-pleasing and provide some practical strategies to support you in prioritising your own needs first, and connecting with those around you more authentically.
The Psychology of People-Pleasing
Fear of Rejection: One of the primary drivers of people-pleasing is the fear of rejection. Human beings are inherently social creatures, and we seek approval and acceptance from others in order to survive. The fear of rejection can lead us to say "yes" to requests or demands, even if they go against our own desires or values, in a desperate attempt to avoid disapproval, exclusion or ‘upsetting’ someone.
Low Self-Esteem: People who may have low self-esteem often engage in people-pleasing to subconciosuly increase their sense of self-worth. There is an underlying belief here that by constantly meeting others' needs and making them happy, you can gain validation and feel better about yourself, often ignoring your own truth and needs.
Need for Control: ‘People-pleasers’ often struggle with the need for control which can show up in many sneaky ways. People may believe that by fulfilling others' wishes, they can influence and manage their relationships, ensuring that they remain in a good place with those around them. Ultimately this behaviour pattern can be manipulative and toxic, and lead to relationships dissolving later down the line.
Avoidance of Conflict: The desire to maintain ‘harmonious’ relationships with those around you and to avoid conflict is another driving force behind people-pleasing. Many individuals fear confrontation and will do anything to keep the peace, even if it means suppressing their own needs.
Habitual Behaviour: Over time, people-pleasing can become a deeply ingrained and often subconscious habit. Those who have engaged in behaviour patterns rooted in people pleasing for years may find it difficult to accept and to break free from at first, because it has become their default response in social interactions. However once they do start to acknowlegde and change their ways, life becomes a lot freer and easier.
How to Stop People-Pleasing:
Self-Awareness: The first step to breaking free from people-pleasing is self-awareness. Taking time to reflect on your own behaviour and identifying instances where you have put others' needs before your own can be very useful, as you start to recognise the patterns and triggers that could lead you to people-please.
Set Boundaries: Learning to set healthy boundaries is essential when it comes to transitioning from people pleasing. Practicing saying "no" when necessary is imperative, and understanding that it is not a rejection of others but a way to protect your own well-being, and that the response of others is not your responsibility to manage. Communicating your boundaries clearly and assertively is a must, and gets easier the more you practice it.
Prioritising Self-Care: Making self-care a priority in your life. This includes taking time for relaxation, engaging in things that bring you joy, pursuing your interests, and maintaining your physical and emotional health. When you prioritise your well-being, you become better equipped to help others in a balanced way, rather than completely assuming responsibility for another’s experience.
Challenging Negative Self-Talk: Work on boosting your self-esteem and confidence by challenging negative self-talk and practicing self-compassion. Remember that your worth is not determined by how much you do for others, but how you feel and take care of yourself.
Seek Support: Breaking free from people-pleasing can be challenging at first, and seeking support from a therapist can be immensely helpful. They can provide guidance, tools, and strategies tailored to your specific situation to help you.
People-pleasing is a complex set of psychological behaviours which often stem from a deep-seated fear of rejection, low self-esteem, and a desire for control and harmony. By developing self-awareness and practicing self-care, assertiveness, and healthy boundary-setting, you can gradually start to break free from the people-pleasing trap you have been in for so long. Remember that it's not selfish to prioritize your own well-being; in fact, it's essential for your mental and emotional health, and it is only through looking after yourself that you will also have the capacity to look after those around you. As you learn to strike a balance between meeting your own needs and supporting others, you'll discover a newfound sense of empowerment and authenticity in your relationships and in your life.
Lucy Collins
Hypnotherapist and Psychotherapist
If you would like to discover whether hypnotherapy is the right fit for you, contact me today to book in your Free Initital Consultation: lucy.collins@groundedchoicehypnotherapy.com
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